he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
