I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
