I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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