Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Drunk is not a location!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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