I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
