I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
