i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize