I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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