she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
