Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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