I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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