Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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