The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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