don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
