My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Pants are for mortals
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
