You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
