I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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