Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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