I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
