Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize