Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
