i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
