dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
