Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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