you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
