Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
