Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
