dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
