No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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