i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
