Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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