Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize