just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
