sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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