Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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