The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
