Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
