Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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