My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
