I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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