so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
