this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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