this beer tastes like vomit already
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
