please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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