You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
