My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
