TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize