He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You are the jesus of drinking
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
