how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
