Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
