Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
