Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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