so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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