did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
