I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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