Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
