a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
love makes seman taste better
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
