Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
