I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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