The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
