He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
