i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
