i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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